This blog was written in early 2019 – over 3 years ago. I found it on an old website and re-read it. I feel really proud of myself for writing it back then – I went vulnerable, and I spoke my truth. So much of what I wrote back then is completely and utterly true to me today. I’ve decided to re-post it here to remind myself of my journey, how far I’ve come and hopefully to inspire you to look at your life on a deeper level.
This year has been the year of growth.
I’ve done a lot of self-development this past year, a lot of work on past trauma, past relationships, conditioning, patterns,& belief systems – it has been profound, to say the least. Once I started I couldn’t stop. You see, once I learned some real truths about myself, REAL truths it was hard to turn back. It’s like jumping off a cliff – it’s terrifying to peer over the edge, and even more terrifying to fall off … but once you are down there at the bottom, looking at all your shit laid out, then there’s only one place to go – Up. I felt like once I had taken the fall, I had been given an encyclopedia of my life. Everything made sense. I could piece together why I had certain thoughts about certain people, why I wasn’t as close to my family as I would have liked to be, why I didn’t like to hug people, and why I shone away from love. I learned a lot about my childhood – how small events shaped me over time and how I clung to beliefs that stemmed from those events that created the adult-me here today. It was F**king hard work let me tell you … no one wants to look at their own shit – it feels miserable, shameful and embarrassing to say the least but am I glad I did it? Absolutely.
As a child, you grow up in an adult’s world.
You take what they say as gospel truth, and you create your belief system around what you’ve been thought. Parents, teachers, family members, authority figures and the likes. Only recently have I realized that a lot of my thoughts were not ‘my’ thoughts .. but instead an opinion of a friend or a family member, an opinion that wasn’t mine but somehow made its way into my mind and formed a reality. I couldn’t believe how stupid I had been. How could I have lived so many years thinking this way when they were never my own thoughts? I feel disappointed when I think of the years lost that I could have had with family and friends who I pushed away because of my limiting beliefs & conditioning. The truth has set me free in so many ways and that is a very corny statement I agree, but I’m gonna say it anyway because that’s my thought right now and it’s real and it’s mine.
I look back at my life and I don’t feel regret. I feel happy for the good times and I feel sad for the sad times, but I keep going because I know this is life and this is how life goes – we live, we learn, we fall, we learn some more, we change, we grow, we rise and we fall again – it’s forever changing & forever moving. There is no reason for me to stop and wallow in the misery of what has happened or what could have been – that’s not me. I like life! I like to be happy! I won’t surround myself with people who don’t want those things – and I definitely won’t surround myself with people who want to breed negativity and toxicity – I have no place in my life for any of that. I’ve learned I can love another from my heart, but I can choose to not love the actions of what another does from a distance. Nobody is perfect – certainly not me – but I am a good person and I will continue to do the work on myself so that I can help others out of their limiting beliefs and help them break through the invisible ceilings that have been keeping them small and in fear. Holding onto hatred and bitterness is a disease – if you are doing this then you know what I’m talking about and you need to let that shit go. Let that shit go! …. Give yourself the gift of a happy life by living a life free of hatred and contempt. Life is so so amazing .. why would we not choose life?
If I could share anything with you then it would be to look at yourself – Look at how you’ve been letting your mind control your life. Your mind is not you – your mind is the chatter, the ego, the “mean girl” – it is unintelligent and its only goal is to separate you from love. That’s why we meditate – not to get away from the chatter but to hear it clearly – and to recognize that it IS chatter and it isn’t you. When you get on a wild horse that you believe is tame – it throws you, or kicks your teeth in! But if you ‘know’ the horse is wild then you can deal with it more appropriately. Get what I’m saying? It’s better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.
I’ve shared my shit with strangers and I’ve fallen…but I have risen as a better human on this planet – I’ve faced the ego head-on and it was enlightening. I’ve challenged my beliefs about how I thought the world to be and I will never take on the opinion of someone else’s as my own ever again. This is not all said and done – this is a daily ritual that I have to remind myself to keep doing … life isn’t easy but it is as simple as we make it and it takes work. If you want to live a life at the highest level then start with yourself … always start with yourself because you are the problem and you are the solution. Choose life – Choose love – Choose health and Choose laughter …. Choose to be free. Thanks for listening… (Amy – today, May 3rd 2022)
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